Excerpt from "THE CITIZEN"
I was recently checking out the IMDb Shop Talk Writers board. One post in particular gave me and idea for a scene in one of my scripts. In fact I used a large portion of it as sort of a tribute.
Here is an excerpt from my screenplay The Citizen.
Logline: An ex-soldier comes to the aid of a friend accused of being a terrorist.
It includes the aforementioned borrowed post which I inserted at the beginning of this scene.
Feel free to comment using the link way down at the bottom of the page. Thanks for taking the time to read. I hope you enjoy it.
INT. LOCAL PUB - NIGHT
MUSIC from the JUKEBOX and a light haze of cigarette smoke
fill the air of the small but semi-crowded bar.
A group of half drunk college men sit at a table and gaze
lustfully at three sexy women dancing together on the dance
floor.
In the back of the bar Daniel and a ANOTHER MAN, a large man
with a sweat-stained shirt, are playing darts.
TWO WOMEN sit at a nearby table. They casually watch the
action on the dartboard. Both are in their late twenties.
One is an attractive blonde. The other is a larger, less
attractive woman.
Daniel throws a dart.
The dart sticks in the double twenty.
A quick smile appears on the lips of the blonde which the
large man acknowledges with a grunt.
Daniel retrieves his darts from the board and approaches the
large man, who holds out a ten dollar bill.
DANIEL
(grabbing the bill)
That's three in a row.
LARGE MAN
Let's do it again.
DANIEL
I don't know, man. I don't want to
take any more of your money. Maybe
it's just not your day.
LARGE MAN
I'll be the judge of that.
The blonde woman giggles lightly while the large women looks
on with disdain.
LARGE MAN (CONT'D)
One more game. Winner gets...
(motions toward the two
women)
Them!
Shocked, the blonde coughs out her drink all over the table
and the larger woman hastily springs up from her chair, ready
to fight.
LARGER WOMAN
What the-?
BLONDE WOMAN
Easy girl.
Daniel and the blonde exchange a look of disbelief. Daniel
turns to the large man and shakes his head.
DANIEL
(to the large man)
You don't know women very well, do
you?
LARGE MAN
What's that supposed to mean?
Daniel moves towards the two women and motions to a WAITRESS
for two drinks and a towel.
The waitress tosses Daniel a towel from her tray and he
starts to wipe the table.
DANIEL
You'll have to forgive Cro-magnon
man over there. His momma
apparently dropped him on his head.
They laugh.
The large man looks at them curiously.
The waitress delivers the two drinks which Daniel gives to
the two women.
BLONDE WOMAN
Thank you.
DANIEL
No problem.
Daniel finishes wiping the table and hands the towel and a
large tip to the waitress.
DANIEL
(to the waitress)
Thanks.
The waitress smiles and retreats without a word.
A CELL PHONE RINGS.
DANIEL
Excuse me.
As Daniel reaches for his phone, IT RINGS AGAIN.
DANIEL
(into phone)
Hello... hello. Shoot.
DANIEL
(to the women)
Again, I'm sorry for the trouble.
Daniel turns and heads toward the exit.
BLONDE WOMAN
(loudly and rising from
her chair)
Hey?!
Daniel stops and turns to face her as she walks up to him.
BLONDE WOMAN
Why don't you just play him anyway?
You'd probably win.
(softer)
Or is that the problem? You afraid
you win?
Beat.
DANIEL
No. Afraid I'd lose.
Impressed and somewhat embarrassed, the blonde woman slouches
a bit.
Daniel exits the bar.
EXT. LOCAL PUB - NIGHT
Daniel exits the bar and dials his cell phone as he walks
away from it.. Putting the phone to his ear he reacts
vocally to his disapproval of the weak signal that prevents
the call from connection.
Visually frustrated, Daniel moves around to find a stronger
signal and re-dials.
A LOUD BANG echoes behind him. He glances over his shoulder
toward the bar.
The blonde woman stands in the open doorway. She frantically
scans left and right. A look of disappointment fills her
face which is quickly replaced by relief and embarrassment as
she spots Daniel. She takes a deep breath and walks toward
him.
Daniel grins and closes his phone. He takes a few steps in
her direction to meet her.
BLONDE WOMAN
(nervously)
I... I was...
(motions over her shoulder
to the bar)
I...
She extends her hand toward Daniel and looks up at him
slowly.
Daniel reaches out and as his hand meets hers, she relaxes.
BLONDE WOMAN
I'm Jeanette. But most people call
me Jet.
DANIEL
Jeanette, it's nice to meet you.
I'm Daniel.
JEANETTE
Daniel. Thanks again, for back
there.
DANIEL
You bet. Is your friend going to
be alright in there, you know, with
the caveman?
They laugh.
JEANETTE
Oh, yeah. She can take care of
herself.
(beat)
So, what's your hurry?
DANIEL
Well, I was supposed to meet
someone here. They're a no show so
far so I'm trying to call them.
(shows her the phone)
No signal inside. Ain't much
better out here.
Daniel's CELL PHONE RINGS. He checks it.
DANIEL
Well, speak of the devil. I've got
to take this.
JEANETTE
Yeah, go ahead.
DANIEL
(into phone)
Hello? What's up man, where the
hell you at? I've been waiting
for...
ABE (V.O.)
(panicked)
Listen bro. Something's going on
here.
Daniel's face shows worry.
Jeanette responds with a look of concern.
DANIEL
(into phone)
Easy does it, A.B. Just tell me
what's happening.
INT. ABE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Abe sits hunched down in the driver's seat of his car. He
has a cell phone to his ear.
ABE
(into phone)
I'm not sure, but-
From inside of Abe's car, across a street, we see a dark van
and a dark sedan parked haphazardly in front of a small
house. A number of armed men are carrying boxes from the
house to the van. Large letters reading FBI can be seen on
the back of one of the armed men.
ABE (O.S.)
-this shit's fucked up!
EXT. ABE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Armed FBI agents dressed in black battle gear are removing
computer components and boxes of files from the house and are
placing them in the back of the van.
Two more agents dressed in dark suits and ties stand at the
rear of the van and monitor the activity.
AGENT II
Doesn't look like much here. What
about the old woman?
AGENT I
Abigail Kennedy, fifty-seven,
widow, mother of one, a son-
(smirks)
Abraham Lincoln Kennedy.
AGENT II
Oh, she's one of those kind, eh?
Let's see what she can tell us.
The two agents turn and walk towards the entrance of the
house.
Through a window in the front of the house ABIGAIL KENNEDY
sits on a couch in her living room. She is a matronly black
woman in her late fifties.
Two armed agents casually stand guard on either side of her.
Agents I and II enter the living room through an entry way
adjacent to the couch.
INT. ABIGAIL KENNEDY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The room is small and modest, almost poor, but very clean.
Two unmatched arm chairs sit opposite the couch. Pictures of
Jesus, Dr. Martin Luther King and Abraham Kennedy are
displayed on the walls and end tables by the couch.
Abigail sits nervously on her couch and we see that her hands
are behind her back.
AGENT II
(to the armed agents)
We've got it from here.
The armed agents acknowledge and exit the room.
Agent II motions Agent I toward Abigail.
She reacts nervously as Agent I moves toward her and removes
the handcuffs.
AGENT II
Miss Kennedy?
ABIGAIL
(rubbing her wrists and
agitated)
You can drop that Miss business. I
was a married woman.
AGENT II
Mrs. Kennedy, we'd like to ask you
a few questions.
ABIGAIL
Who are you and why you breakin'
into my house?
AGENT II
We are agents with a branch of the
FBI, Mrs. Kennedy.
ABIGAIL
FBI? You got a warrant? I know my
rights.
AGENT II
We're with the Department of
Homeland Security.
Abigail sinks back into the couch with a sullen, empty look
on her face.
AGENT II
Mrs. Kennedy, I can tell from your
reaction that you have heard of us
and know that we do not require a
warrant. Our directives are simple-
Abigail sits wide-eyed.
AGENT II
Identify and eliminate terrorist
activity, by any means necessary.
ABIGAIL
(surprised, sitting up)
Terrorist? I'm no terrorist.
AGENT II
Mrs. Kennedy, we have traced
activity on your computer that
raised a red flag for possible
terrorist activity.
ABIGAIL
(confused)
My computer? I only use it to meet
with my church group. I don't get
out much but I can still listen to
Sunday services with it.
AGENT II
Does anyone else have access to
your computer, Mrs. Kennedy? A
friend, relative, or maid perhaps?
ABIGAIL
Huh, only maid around here is me.
Agent I smirks which draws a look of disapproval from Agent
II.
ABIGAIL
My friends don't use it but my son,
Abraham, every now and then when he
comes over will get on it to check
sports scores and such, but that's
all.
AGENT II
Where is your son now, Mrs.
Kennedy?
ABIGAIL
I'm not exactly sure where he is
right now, but he was going to stop
by sometime tonight.
(smiles)
Gonna bring me my pills from the
drug store. Such a sweet boy.
AGENT II
Which drug store, Mrs. Kennedy?
ABIGAIL
Ain't but one drug store in town-
(beat)
Denny's Pharmacy, over on Main.
Agent II motions to Agent I.
AGENT I
I'm on it.
Agent I exits the living room.
INT. ABE'S CAR - NIGHT
Abe still sits hunched in his car, phone to his ear. He
nervously watches the activity outside of his mom's house.
ABE
(into phone)
The two dudes in suits are in the
house right now! What about my
moms man?
EXT. LOCAL PUB - CONTINUOUS
Daniel shows concern but remains calm.
DANIEL
(into phone)
Alright, alright. Let me think.
He looks to Jet for an answer that doesn't come.
ABE (V.O.)
Hold up.
EXT. ABIGAIL'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Agent I exits the house. He gives orders MOS to two of the
armed agents.
ABE (V.O.)
Somethings going on. One of the
suits just came out.
The agents turn and look in Abe's direction.
INT. ABE'S CAR
Abe quickly scrunches down even further in the seat.
ABE
(into phone)
Oh shit.
DANIEL (V.O.)
What?
EXT. LOCAL PUB - CONTINUOUS
Daniel tenses. Silence.
DANIEL
Abe!
Everything is silent except for a faint crackle of static.
I was recently checking out the IMDb Shop Talk Writers board. One post in particular gave me and idea for a scene in one of my scripts. In fact I used a large portion of it as sort of a tribute.
Here is an excerpt from my screenplay The Citizen.
Logline: An ex-soldier comes to the aid of a friend accused of being a terrorist.
It includes the aforementioned borrowed post which I inserted at the beginning of this scene.
Feel free to comment using the link way down at the bottom of the page. Thanks for taking the time to read. I hope you enjoy it.
INT. LOCAL PUB - NIGHT
MUSIC from the JUKEBOX and a light haze of cigarette smoke
fill the air of the small but semi-crowded bar.
A group of half drunk college men sit at a table and gaze
lustfully at three sexy women dancing together on the dance
floor.
In the back of the bar Daniel and a ANOTHER MAN, a large man
with a sweat-stained shirt, are playing darts.
TWO WOMEN sit at a nearby table. They casually watch the
action on the dartboard. Both are in their late twenties.
One is an attractive blonde. The other is a larger, less
attractive woman.
Daniel throws a dart.
The dart sticks in the double twenty.
A quick smile appears on the lips of the blonde which the
large man acknowledges with a grunt.
Daniel retrieves his darts from the board and approaches the
large man, who holds out a ten dollar bill.
DANIEL
(grabbing the bill)
That's three in a row.
LARGE MAN
Let's do it again.
DANIEL
I don't know, man. I don't want to
take any more of your money. Maybe
it's just not your day.
LARGE MAN
I'll be the judge of that.
The blonde woman giggles lightly while the large women looks
on with disdain.
LARGE MAN (CONT'D)
One more game. Winner gets...
(motions toward the two
women)
Them!
Shocked, the blonde coughs out her drink all over the table
and the larger woman hastily springs up from her chair, ready
to fight.
LARGER WOMAN
What the-?
BLONDE WOMAN
Easy girl.
Daniel and the blonde exchange a look of disbelief. Daniel
turns to the large man and shakes his head.
DANIEL
(to the large man)
You don't know women very well, do
you?
LARGE MAN
What's that supposed to mean?
Daniel moves towards the two women and motions to a WAITRESS
for two drinks and a towel.
The waitress tosses Daniel a towel from her tray and he
starts to wipe the table.
DANIEL
You'll have to forgive Cro-magnon
man over there. His momma
apparently dropped him on his head.
They laugh.
The large man looks at them curiously.
The waitress delivers the two drinks which Daniel gives to
the two women.
BLONDE WOMAN
Thank you.
DANIEL
No problem.
Daniel finishes wiping the table and hands the towel and a
large tip to the waitress.
DANIEL
(to the waitress)
Thanks.
The waitress smiles and retreats without a word.
A CELL PHONE RINGS.
DANIEL
Excuse me.
As Daniel reaches for his phone, IT RINGS AGAIN.
DANIEL
(into phone)
Hello... hello. Shoot.
DANIEL
(to the women)
Again, I'm sorry for the trouble.
Daniel turns and heads toward the exit.
BLONDE WOMAN
(loudly and rising from
her chair)
Hey?!
Daniel stops and turns to face her as she walks up to him.
BLONDE WOMAN
Why don't you just play him anyway?
You'd probably win.
(softer)
Or is that the problem? You afraid
you win?
Beat.
DANIEL
No. Afraid I'd lose.
Impressed and somewhat embarrassed, the blonde woman slouches
a bit.
Daniel exits the bar.
EXT. LOCAL PUB - NIGHT
Daniel exits the bar and dials his cell phone as he walks
away from it.. Putting the phone to his ear he reacts
vocally to his disapproval of the weak signal that prevents
the call from connection.
Visually frustrated, Daniel moves around to find a stronger
signal and re-dials.
A LOUD BANG echoes behind him. He glances over his shoulder
toward the bar.
The blonde woman stands in the open doorway. She frantically
scans left and right. A look of disappointment fills her
face which is quickly replaced by relief and embarrassment as
she spots Daniel. She takes a deep breath and walks toward
him.
Daniel grins and closes his phone. He takes a few steps in
her direction to meet her.
BLONDE WOMAN
(nervously)
I... I was...
(motions over her shoulder
to the bar)
I...
She extends her hand toward Daniel and looks up at him
slowly.
Daniel reaches out and as his hand meets hers, she relaxes.
BLONDE WOMAN
I'm Jeanette. But most people call
me Jet.
DANIEL
Jeanette, it's nice to meet you.
I'm Daniel.
JEANETTE
Daniel. Thanks again, for back
there.
DANIEL
You bet. Is your friend going to
be alright in there, you know, with
the caveman?
They laugh.
JEANETTE
Oh, yeah. She can take care of
herself.
(beat)
So, what's your hurry?
DANIEL
Well, I was supposed to meet
someone here. They're a no show so
far so I'm trying to call them.
(shows her the phone)
No signal inside. Ain't much
better out here.
Daniel's CELL PHONE RINGS. He checks it.
DANIEL
Well, speak of the devil. I've got
to take this.
JEANETTE
Yeah, go ahead.
DANIEL
(into phone)
Hello? What's up man, where the
hell you at? I've been waiting
for...
ABE (V.O.)
(panicked)
Listen bro. Something's going on
here.
Daniel's face shows worry.
Jeanette responds with a look of concern.
DANIEL
(into phone)
Easy does it, A.B. Just tell me
what's happening.
INT. ABE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Abe sits hunched down in the driver's seat of his car. He
has a cell phone to his ear.
ABE
(into phone)
I'm not sure, but-
From inside of Abe's car, across a street, we see a dark van
and a dark sedan parked haphazardly in front of a small
house. A number of armed men are carrying boxes from the
house to the van. Large letters reading FBI can be seen on
the back of one of the armed men.
ABE (O.S.)
-this shit's fucked up!
EXT. ABE'S CAR - CONTINUOUS
Armed FBI agents dressed in black battle gear are removing
computer components and boxes of files from the house and are
placing them in the back of the van.
Two more agents dressed in dark suits and ties stand at the
rear of the van and monitor the activity.
AGENT II
Doesn't look like much here. What
about the old woman?
AGENT I
Abigail Kennedy, fifty-seven,
widow, mother of one, a son-
(smirks)
Abraham Lincoln Kennedy.
AGENT II
Oh, she's one of those kind, eh?
Let's see what she can tell us.
The two agents turn and walk towards the entrance of the
house.
Through a window in the front of the house ABIGAIL KENNEDY
sits on a couch in her living room. She is a matronly black
woman in her late fifties.
Two armed agents casually stand guard on either side of her.
Agents I and II enter the living room through an entry way
adjacent to the couch.
INT. ABIGAIL KENNEDY'S LIVING ROOM - CONTINUOUS
The room is small and modest, almost poor, but very clean.
Two unmatched arm chairs sit opposite the couch. Pictures of
Jesus, Dr. Martin Luther King and Abraham Kennedy are
displayed on the walls and end tables by the couch.
Abigail sits nervously on her couch and we see that her hands
are behind her back.
AGENT II
(to the armed agents)
We've got it from here.
The armed agents acknowledge and exit the room.
Agent II motions Agent I toward Abigail.
She reacts nervously as Agent I moves toward her and removes
the handcuffs.
AGENT II
Miss Kennedy?
ABIGAIL
(rubbing her wrists and
agitated)
You can drop that Miss business. I
was a married woman.
AGENT II
Mrs. Kennedy, we'd like to ask you
a few questions.
ABIGAIL
Who are you and why you breakin'
into my house?
AGENT II
We are agents with a branch of the
FBI, Mrs. Kennedy.
ABIGAIL
FBI? You got a warrant? I know my
rights.
AGENT II
We're with the Department of
Homeland Security.
Abigail sinks back into the couch with a sullen, empty look
on her face.
AGENT II
Mrs. Kennedy, I can tell from your
reaction that you have heard of us
and know that we do not require a
warrant. Our directives are simple-
Abigail sits wide-eyed.
AGENT II
Identify and eliminate terrorist
activity, by any means necessary.
ABIGAIL
(surprised, sitting up)
Terrorist? I'm no terrorist.
AGENT II
Mrs. Kennedy, we have traced
activity on your computer that
raised a red flag for possible
terrorist activity.
ABIGAIL
(confused)
My computer? I only use it to meet
with my church group. I don't get
out much but I can still listen to
Sunday services with it.
AGENT II
Does anyone else have access to
your computer, Mrs. Kennedy? A
friend, relative, or maid perhaps?
ABIGAIL
Huh, only maid around here is me.
Agent I smirks which draws a look of disapproval from Agent
II.
ABIGAIL
My friends don't use it but my son,
Abraham, every now and then when he
comes over will get on it to check
sports scores and such, but that's
all.
AGENT II
Where is your son now, Mrs.
Kennedy?
ABIGAIL
I'm not exactly sure where he is
right now, but he was going to stop
by sometime tonight.
(smiles)
Gonna bring me my pills from the
drug store. Such a sweet boy.
AGENT II
Which drug store, Mrs. Kennedy?
ABIGAIL
Ain't but one drug store in town-
(beat)
Denny's Pharmacy, over on Main.
Agent II motions to Agent I.
AGENT I
I'm on it.
Agent I exits the living room.
INT. ABE'S CAR - NIGHT
Abe still sits hunched in his car, phone to his ear. He
nervously watches the activity outside of his mom's house.
ABE
(into phone)
The two dudes in suits are in the
house right now! What about my
moms man?
EXT. LOCAL PUB - CONTINUOUS
Daniel shows concern but remains calm.
DANIEL
(into phone)
Alright, alright. Let me think.
He looks to Jet for an answer that doesn't come.
ABE (V.O.)
Hold up.
EXT. ABIGAIL'S HOUSE - CONTINUOUS
Agent I exits the house. He gives orders MOS to two of the
armed agents.
ABE (V.O.)
Somethings going on. One of the
suits just came out.
The agents turn and look in Abe's direction.
INT. ABE'S CAR
Abe quickly scrunches down even further in the seat.
ABE
(into phone)
Oh shit.
DANIEL (V.O.)
What?
EXT. LOCAL PUB - CONTINUOUS
Daniel tenses. Silence.
DANIEL
Abe!
Everything is silent except for a faint crackle of static.
posted by INTERCUT at 11:30 AM
3 Comments:
Not bad. The part about the FBI and terrorism sounds interesting. What's the premise of your script? I would like to see more.
You need to finish the scene. Right when it started to get interesting, it ends.
Thanks for reading, I do appreciate it. As far as the premise of the screenplay, here is my logline:
An ex-soldier comes to the aid of a friend accused of being a terrorist.
I will try to add more without giving too much away.
Thanks again and have a great day.
INTERCUT
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